By: Sue Nicewander Delaney
My husband’s stroke in 2013 initiated a three-year period of suffering and loss for us. After he died in 2016 and I embarked on an unsettling role as a widow, the following years brought more major hardships that led to despair. How can you help someone whose suffering intensifies, with no endpoint in sight?
General Principles for Counseling
Love well. She has come to you for help because her world is crumbling, but she won’t open up unless she believes you are compassionate and competent—that you won’t judge her for suffering, and that you will steadily point her to hope in Christ.
Listen before speaking. Hear her losses and how they are affecting her life. Recognize that long-term suffering has stages or segments, each of which bears a range of theological questions:
Crisis
Experiencing the extent and permanence of losses
Major adjustments (perhaps including worldview changes)
New or additional suffering and grief
For each stage, evaluate:
What physical and spiritual challenges does she face? What should you address, and what should you delegate?
How is she handling the adjustments she must face? What is most difficult for her, and why? Is her major struggle as sinner or as sufferer?
What does her honesty (or reluctance) to share her heart tell you about her faith? How might you guide her to build faith and endurance in God? This is your most important role.
Observe negative emotional patterns of anger, fear, or despair. What do her emotions reveal about what she believes she needs most?
How does she perceive God views her? Is she a believer? Where does she find her identity? How have her changing roles challenged her self-image?
How does she relate to God in her suffering? To His people?
What questions is she asking, especially about God?
God seldom provides explanations, but answers “Why?” with reasons to trust His character (e.g., Job 38-42). Does she accept this, or does she demand answers? Is she willing to submit to God’s plan if it differs from hers? If not, where does she seek meaning and peace?
Listen for foundational questions: Does God love me? and Is God able to help me? (A discussion of the depths and significance of this struggle must be left for another time.) Briefly, the gospel answers both questions:
Christ’s death on the cross proves God’s love, which cannot be earned, but is His free gift (John 3:16; Rom. 5:8, 12; 8:37-39).
The resurrection proves that God is powerful enough to help her (Eph. 1:18-21).
How is she responding to these truths? What hinders her? Resist arguing with her answer; be grateful for her honesty.
Measure your response simply, saturated with prayer, grace, and kindness.
Speak Carefully, Using Scripture
Hear her. Even if you have a similar experience, assume you don’t understand her suffering or her heart. Let her ask hard questions without scolding her. Listen and learn.
Express Christ-like sorrow, acknowledging her painful trial without condemning her human frailty (2 Cor. 12:8-10). Be gentle with her tears, avoid attempts to cheer her up (Prov. 25:20); respect her grief without indulging self-pity.
Avoid platitudes like, “It’s going to be okay.” Accept your inability to fix what is broken. You have a more eternal purpose. Instead, help her learn to walk with God in a fallen world where life is not okay. Point to God as a hearing, caring God, using examples from her story.
Let Scripture move her toward God. Look together at a short passage or biblical example that reveals God’s heart and perspective toward one of her pressing questions. Ask her how the Word lands on her today. Gradually compile those passages into a list of helpful statements tailored to her questions and struggles. Ask her to read the list every morning and every evening. For example, “God is with you. You are not alone.” Hebrews 13:5b: I will never leave you nor forsake you.
Exemplify gentle compassion and kindness. Recognize the overwhelming nature of intense suffering; respect her mental and emotional overload. Avoid declarations or much instruction. Talk about God’s faithfulness, and let Scripture speak to her. Ask questions that build hope, keep suggestions simple and practical, and find out what she thinks and does with the counsel you offer. When does she act, and what motivates her actions? Do you perceive faith or doubt? Discouragement or weariness? Memory difficulties or despair? Adjust accordingly.
Build hope and network help.
Urge her to keep going, not to give up (2 Cor. 4:16).
Provide or suggest places of quiet refuge when needed.
Teach her to pray. Pray for her.
Enlist her church for practical and spiritual help.
Show her that she is not irrelevant, used up, or ruined, but that God loves her and has a purpose for her (Phil. 1:6).
Point out that the sufferings of Christ, Peter, John, Job (and others) were evidence of God’s favor, not His disapproval. She is being deepened rather than damaged.
Help her reach out to others as she grows, to avoid self-absorption and isolation (2 Cor. 1:3-6).
Questions for Reflection
How might you understand the evolving challenges in each segment of a lengthy trial?
How might your counsel better reflect God’s compassions with those in prolonged suffering?
When your counselee is overwhelmed, how might you simplify your use of Scripture and biblical examples to address her major questions?
Resources
Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy by Mark Vroegop (Crossway, 2019)
God’s Healing for Life’s Losses by Bob Kellemen (BMH Books, 2010)
God’s Grace in Your Suffering by David Powlison (Crossway, 2018)
Craving Grace by Ruthie Delk (Moody Publishing, 2013)
New Morning Mercies by Paul David Tripp (New Growth Press, 2014)
Did I Say the Right Thing? By Mitch Schultz (Exalt Publications, 2011)