By Bob Kellemen
A Word from Bob: Today is the first of a two-part blog mini-series on biblical marriage counseling. Part 1 focuses on Having Hope as a Marriage Counselor. Part 2 focuses on Offering Hope to Hurting Couples. I’ve developed these two posts from Chapter 5 of my new book, Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling: An Equipping Guide for Pastors and Counselors.
Infusing HOPE in the Midst of Hurt
Biblical marriage counselors are soul physicians who serve under the great Soul Physician. When we meet with a hurting couple, we do not pretend that their problems are non-existent. We take them, their hurts, and their problems seriously—seriously enough that we prescribe major heart surgery. But we also do not panic. God, in His Word, has the plan for marriage and marital healing.
Because couples frequently come to us having lost all hope, before we do anything else we launch the marriage counseling process by infusing hope in the midst of hurt. We put into action resurrection-focused marriage counseling. Here’s how we spell marital HOPE:
H Having Hope as a Marriage Counselor: Practicing Resurrection-Focused Counseling
O Offering Hope to Hurting Couples: Trusting God to Do Abundantly More Than We Can Imagine
P Promoting God’s Perspective: Joining the Eternal Story
E Enlightening Couples: Believing and Growing Together in Christ
Note: In this blog mini-series, we’re covering the “H” and the “O” of “HOPE.” You can learn more about the “P” and the “E” of “HOPE” in Chapter 5 of Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling.
Mingling Hurt and Hope: Empathetic Encouragement
In marriage counseling, somebody better have hope, because the typical couple comes to us not with resurrection hope, but with the fear that their marriage is dead. As they share with us their problem-saturated stories of despair, they are in desperate need of hope—the hope that God can resurrect dead marriages.Our role is to join with them in their pain and hurt, but not in their despair. I call this approach “empathetic encouragement”—entering their marital story of pain, while helping them enter God’s eternal story of hope.
The Scriptures constantly mingle hurt and hope. In Romans 8, before Paul speaks of God working all things together for good (Romans 8:28-39), he speaks of suffering and groanings that cannot be put into words (Romans 8:17-27).
Jesus relentlessly mingles hurt and hope. In John 16:31, he sandwiches hope around hurt. “I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace (hope). In this world you will have trouble (hurt). But take heart! I have overcome the world (hope).”
Paul consistently mingles hurt and hope. “We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death (hurt). But this happened so that we might not rely on ourselves, but on the God who raises the dead (hope)” (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). God raises dead people—like the couple sitting in front of us. God raises dead things—like dead marriages.
In our initial interactions with hurting couples, it is not either/or—either we enter their story of hurt or we enter God’s story of hope. Instead, it is both/and—we enter their story of hurt and we journey with them to God’s story of hope.
The movement between hurt and hope is a delicate dance—which is why I devote an entire section in Chapter 7 of Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling to empathetic encouragement. Here in this blog post, our focus is on the need to infuse hope early on in marriage counseling.
The Counselor’s Struggle for Hope
When couple after couple enter our office with seemingly impossible and intractable problems, it’s easy for us as the counselor to begin to lose hope. The first battle in marriage counseling is the counselor’s battle for hope.
How we as biblical counselors perceive and define situations is critical. Do we so define problems that we make them unsolvable? Modern Christianity has lost hope. We have succumbed to a pessimistic, negative mindset. This is so unlike New Testament Christianity.
“You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world” (1 John 4:4).
“For everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith” (1 John 5:4).
“But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ” (1 Corinthians 15:57).
“And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God” (Romans 5:2).
I’ve been pondering why we are blind to our resources in Christ.
We are not praying for enlightenment to know God’s power and love (Ephesians 1:15-23; 3:14-21).
Satan blinds us to God’s good work in us (2 Corinthians 4:1-18).
We fail to stir up, provoke, encourage, and fan into flame the gift of God within each other (Hebrews 10:24-25; 2 Timothy 1:6-7).
We look at life with eyeballs only rather than with spiritual eyes (2 Corinthians 10:4-7).
We forget that Paul’s marriage and family principles (Ephesians 5-6) are sandwiched between the Spirit’s filling and God’s spiritual armor (Ephesians 5:18-21; 6:10-18).
Bathing Our Minds—as Biblical Counselors—in Gospel Hope
Our hope is not in the situation; not in the couple; not in our training, skillfulness, winsomeness, or experience. Our hope is in the God who resurrects dead things, like dead marriages.
Biblical marriage counselors must constantly remind themselves of the Bible’s redemptive meta-narrative. Everything in Scripture is moving toward resurrection hope. Everything in Scripture is saturated with the gospel good news of a God who declares, “I am generously good and gracious.”
Everything in Scripture moves toward Paul’s inspired declaration in Romans 8:31-32.
“What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?”
We can practice resurrection-focused marriage counseling if we keep bathing our minds in gospel truths like:
Since God is the great Rewarder (Hebrews 11:6), He will provide grace to help for all those couples who diligently seek Him in their time of marital need (Hebrews 4:16; 11:6).
Where sin abounds, grace super-abounds (Romans 5:20), therefore, God provides us with all the resources we need to experience Christ-honoring marriages (2 Peter 1:3-4).
Since God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), He offers us His spiritual resources (Ephesians 1:15-23) and resurrection power (Philippians 3:10) to defeat the great Divorcer (Satan) (Ephesians 6:10-18).
Because marriage has the eternal purpose of reflecting Christ’s marriage to the church (Ephesians 5:21-33), God will stop at nothing to protect His reputation and display His glory through saving our marriages (Ephesians 3:1-21).
If we believe that God provides everything couples need for life and godliness, then we will see their marital problems as God’s opportunity to reveal more of His love, grace, and power. So, as we receive the initial contact via email, phone call, text message, or in person, these are the sort of resurrection-focused thoughts that could be dancing through our minds as biblical counselors:
“What Ephesians 3:20 amazing and surprising work is God up to in this marriage?”
“Who do they want to become together in Christ and what biblical process would guide them there?”
“What unique resources do they possess that we can fan into flame?”
“The very fact that they called tells me that they’ve not given up all hope. I wonder how they’ve cooperated with God to maintain hope in the midst of their troubles?”
The Rest of the Story
Join me for Part 2, where we’ll explore Offering Hope to Hurting Couples. For all of the rest of the story, check out Gospel-Centered Marriage Counseling.
Join the Conversation
The Bible is hope-centric. You just read a few of the myriad biblical passages on hope—1 John 4:4; 1 John 5:4; 1 Corinthians 15:57; and Romans 5:2. What are your “go-to” passages on hope?
“The first battle in marriage counseling is the counselor’s battle for hope.” When a couple comes to you deceived by Satan, defeated by their situation, and hopeless, how do you as their counselor battle for hope—in your soul, in your mindset?
“How we perceive and define situations is critical. Do we so define problems that we make them unsolvable?” How do you help couples to develop a biblical, hope-filled, perception of their problems?
You just read biblical principles/passages for bathing your mind in gospel hope. Which of those passages and principles stand out the most to you? Why? How do you apply them in your life and in your counseling?
Posted at: https://rpmministries.org/2020/10/resurrection-focused-marriage-counseling-part-1-having-hope-as-a-biblical-marriage-counselor/